If you begged and pleaded with your ex after the breakup and pushed your ex away, try not to worry too much about that right now. What’s done is done. Worrying about it is not going to help make things better. It’s just going to make you overthink and cause you to make even more mistakes.
It’s important to note that most dumpees do a little bit of begging and pleading during or after the breakup. They do it because the pain of rejection overwhelms them and forces them to reason with their ex. Little do they know that reasoning with the dumper does the opposite for their ex as it smothers the dumper and makes him or her want to be alone even more.
I’m not telling you this so you can blame yourself for your mistakes. I want you to know that you’re not alone as dumpees all over the world tend to make at least some breakup mistakes.
Typical post-breakup mistakes include begging and pleading, writing letters, buying an expensive ring, showing up unannounced, sending gifts, talking to the dumper’s friends and family, texting paragraphs of texts, and threatening or taking revenge.
Yes, some dumpees are in so much pain that they take revenge. They hope to see their ex react strongly with the intention to see that they can still influence their ex. For some dumpees, revenge is the only method left for making their ex respond to them.
You probably didn’t make any mistakes like that because your intentions were good, but you did some begging and pleading. You wanted your ex to think about leaving you and then return. But if you want your ex to respect you, you have to stop making these mistakes.
You have to acknowledge that your ex is detached and try to let go of control. Learning to let go of your ex is the solution to most of your problems.
In this article, we’ll discuss what begging does to the dumper and whether you ruined things with your ex.
The victim mentality
Right after the breakup, dumpees often think to themselves, “If I give my ex more love and attention, my ex will also give me more of the same. If I can prove how serious I am about the relationship, my ex will also take me seriously.”
But because dumpers are emotionally depleted and done with the relationship, they don’t feel the urge to “give more.” They feel a ton of negative emotions instead and think that their ex doesn’t understand them and respect them.
As a result, they refuse to take responsibility for their actions and develop what we call the victim mentality. This mentality makes them blame their ex for the breakup and tells them to avoid their ex like the plague. Avoiding their ex helps them have fewer uncomfortable moments with their ex and encourages them to think only about themselves.
You see, when the breakup happens, dumpers don’t want to think about their ex’s problems and concerns. They wish to prioritize themselves and live life as free spirits. If their ex makes it hard for them to do that, they tend to feel smothered and unhappy and may even do something their ex doesn’t want them to do.
Sometimes they also feel guilty because they feel bad that their ex is in so much pain while they’ve already moved on. But that doesn’t mean they come back. You’d think that guilt is something your ex needs to return, but guilt is a very bad emotion. It can make dumpers feel responsible for helping their ex when all they want is to look after themselves.
This obligation to help can make them angry and cause them to keep their ex far away from them.
So if you begged and pleaded with your ex for another chance, keep in mind that begging tends to obstruct the dumper’s freedom and happiness. It forces the dumper to think about you even though he or she is trying to get some space and distance.
Because your ex is in a position of power (feels angry, smothered, or disrespected), your denial and persistence can bring an unwanted reaction out of your ex and wound you badly.
You need to be aware of this so you stop begging immediately. You’ll likely have days when you feel like you can’t go on without your ex, but as difficult as your post-breakup life is, you mustn’t make your ex think that you rely on him or her for happiness.
Your ex must think that you’re handling the breakup well so that your ex avoids feeling guilty and admires your strength and determination.
I begged and pleaded with my ex. How badly did I mess it up?
If you begged and pleaded with your ex after the breakup, it’s not the end of the world. You need to remind yourself that although begging wasn’t the best thing to do, you were merely fighting for what you strongly believed in.
You were trying to prove your love and commitment to your ex even though you went about it the wrong way. A much better approach would have been no contact as leaving your ex to his or her devices would have made your ex feel in control of his or her life and allowed your ex to process breakup emotions.
Now that you begged, there’s no point in beating yourself up over it. You can’t change the past, but you can learn that begging doesn’t work and that the key to leaving a good impression on your ex is presenting yourself as an individual with confidence and high self-esteem.
Your ex’s respect for you is already at an all-time low, so you mustn’t decrease it to the point where your ex can walk all over you and get away with it. That won’t impress your ex. It will make your ex lose interest (more interest) and walk away without ever feeling nostalgic about the relationship.
Always remember that it was okay for you to make mistakes. You didn’t know better or lacked self-control at the time. But once you’ve made a mistake and learned that you shouldn’t have made it, you must work on yourself and do your best not to repeat it. A big part of life is to learn from missteps and improve your shortcomings.
The more things you work on, the fewer mistakes you’ll make in your relationships and after your relationships have ended. So take your errors lightly but also very seriously.
Forgive yourself for making them, but also figure out why you made them and how you can avoid making them in the future.
Begging your ex for another chance seldom works
Begging for another chance works when your ex is still committed to you. That’s when your ex will listen to most things you say and see that you care and want to make things work. But after the breakup, begging does the opposite for your ex as your ex no longer wants you to fight for the relationship.
Your ex wants you to give up because that’s exactly what your ex did. Your ex showed you the relationship has ended and that you mustn’t try to oppose your ex’s premeditated decision. Resisting it won’t make your ex feel special—just unheard.
Here’s what begging and pleading does to your ex.
Crying your eyes out and hoping your ex will pity you and want you back is not a very good ex-back strategy. That’s because reasoning with the dumpee in any way at all goes against the dumper’s wishes and triggers his or her repressed anger and/or contempt.
Your ex will respect you a lot more if you accept the breakup as quickly as possible and let your ex come to you. It won’t be easy to let go of your ex and embrace the unknown, but that’s the only way your ex will ever feel something positive for you again. Your ex might not come back because of it, but your ex will at the very least think more fondly of you.
Can begging and pleading change your ex’s perception of you?
Sadly, begging and pleading won’t change your ex’s perception of you for the better. It will worsen it because your ex will remember the last time he/she saw you/heard from you and want to avoid feeling the kind of emotions he or she felt when you begged.
Here’s how begging and pleading with the dumper changes your persona in the dumper’s eyes.
Whenever you feel the urge to turn into a beggar and beg your ex for another chance, remind yourself that begging and pleading will only push your ex away and cause a lot of long-term damage. And some of that damage will, unfortunately, be irreparable or extremely difficult to fix.
But the worst of all isn’t that your actions will change your ex’s perception of you.
The thing that you should be the most scared of is that you could unintentionally ruin your perception of yourself. If you allow yourself to plead with your ex for another chance, you could seriously damage your self-esteem and develop trust issues and mental health problems.
And that’s not what you want.
You don’t want to complicate your life because of your ex. You want to grow from this experience and trust people with your emotions.
Begging will make you want to beg more
If you’re begging your ex for love and attention and aren’t getting what you need, you’re going to want to beg even more. When you get rejected, you’ll get hurt and need your ex to come back and love you.
Continuous begging will keep you hooked on your ex and force your ex to reject you over and over again.
Here’s a picture of what a never-ending cycle of begging looks like.
Every time your ex rejects you, he or she hurts you deeper and causes more long-term suffering.
And the more you suffer, the more you’ll think that talking your ex into getting back with you is going to work. But in reality, evoking negative feelings never works.
Happiness, confidence, high self-esteem, lots of dating options, success in life, a fit body, a promising job, lots of friends, a happy family, and everything positive is what it takes to attract the right kind of individual.
That’s why crying to your ex accomplishes the opposite of what you’re trying to achieve. It gives your ex reasons not to love you and reduces the chances of your ex coming back now and in the future.
Keep in mind that your ex left because he or she was unhappy and that when you show unhappiness, you basically confirm that your ex made the right decision to leave you.
By begging and crying, you don’t show that you care. You show your ex that you lack what it takes to be happy with what you have and on your own. And your ex knows that a person who can’t be happy on his or her own won’t make him or her happy either.
That person will over-rely on him or her for happiness and success in life.
So if your ex is happy and you’re miserable, it’s highly unlikely that your ex will want to be with you. The happiness scale has to flip upside down (your ex must become unhappy) for your ex to consider you a viable dating option.
That’s because your ex needs to develop the desire to get something from you.
Begging will ruin your health
If you’re begging your ex to come back, you need to stop. You must realize that begging and pleading is not going to work and that you’ll ruin your health and well-being in the process.
Begging and pleading likely won’t kill you, but it will greatly affect your self-esteem and trust in people. So before you let it get that far, seek professional help if you need to and solve your internal conflicts.
You must understand that people beg exes because they’re hurt, not because their exes are the best human beings. If you understand that, you’ll focus on yourself rather than your ex and process the breakup quicker.
So keep in mind that begging your ex to be with you will have bad consequences on your body and mind.
Here’s an infographic explaining the effects of prolonged begging and pleading.
You’ll probably find it extremely challenging to stop begging and pull away from your ex at first, but try to gather your strength and do it anyway. You can start by following the infamous 30-day no contact rule and focus on yourself rather than your ex.
Focus on your recovery because that will help you detox and detach from your ex. No matter how hard no contact is. you need to convince yourself that reaching out first is meaningless and that it’s your ex’s turn to show interest and affection.
It can’t be the other way around anymore as it’s time to get your lost power back.
I begged with my ex back. Is it too late?
I can’t say whether you pushed your ex to the point of no return, but I can tell you that excessive begging and pleading tends not to end well.
That’s because exes have only so much patience before they get tired, irritated, and give up.
Your ex is currently in a very tired state. He or she can’t handle any obstructions and delays. Every time you exude desperation, you look more unattractive and make your ex want to run for the hills.
As a dumpee, your goal is to take care of your persona (the way your ex sees you). You have to keep it the way it was when you got dumped. Staying composed could help you achieve that goal as it could tell your ex you respect yourself and that you won’t beg anyone for attention.
Not even an ex who blindsided you.
A little bit of begging shouldn’t completely ruin your chances, but if you begged a lot, it may have annoyed your ex too much to respect you, become nostalgic, and crave the things you have to offer. For now, try not to worry about that. You need to focus on self-reflection and improving yourself.
Can I get my ex back after begging for months?
If you begged with your ex for months and showed no respect for yourself and your ex, things don’t look very good right now. Your ex would have to be an extremely understanding and emotionally mature person not to get offended by your actions.
He or she would have to understand breakups and respect you no matter what you say and do.
But most dumpers, unfortunately, aren’t like that. They get tired and annoyed very quickly—and tend to block their dumpee and move on to someone else.
The only thing that could bring your ex back after begging for months is your ex getting involved with a highly incompatible person and realizing that you were much better in comparison. That could trigger your ex’s anxiety and make him or her come running.
I strongly encourage you not to keep waiting for your ex that long. Try to detach rather than stay attached so you can get your happiness back regardless of whether your ex comes back or not.
Here’s a video with some tips you can follow whether you begged, blocked your ex, or made other post-breakup mistakes.
Did you beg and plead with your ex? How long did you beg for? Leave your comment below and ask us any questions you’d like.
And if you wish to discuss your begging on call or by email, sign up for a session here.
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